Why Hello, Old Friend

I thought it was a good idea to try again, but now that I’m here? I have no idea what it was I wanted to say.

Before, everything I wrote was just the voice in my head that would parrot on constantly, and I would scribble all that down as fast as I could. But now the voice is confused and full of clutter, and I just don’t know how to re establish it, and make it clear again, and make it brave.

I guess I should start with the truth.

I don’t know what I am trying to achieve anymore.

The older I get, the less I know myself. It’s becomming harder and harder to communicate what’s wrong, but at the same time, I feel more wrong than ever.

No choice seems right, no part of my life seems stable, every day I feel crushed with anxiety. To be honest the only thing that gives me any enthusiasm to face the day is this one, precious friend who’s sleeping beside me. He stole all the covers but I forgive him because he’s so fucking cute. If life was simple, maybe I could just fall in love with someone like him, and we could build a life together, and be ridiculously happy. But I don’t think there is anyone like him, and we can’t fall in love, so instead I’m just listening to him snoring while I type, and hoping with everything I have that he’ll be truly happy one day. Eventually. Even if it’s without me. But then that moment passes again, and I selfishly go back to wanting keep him forever.

I just don’t know. I wish I were better.

Coffee and Conversation

I miss the person I used to be. I used to care so much, and love so deeply, and now I just don’t have the enthusiasm. At some stage, self preservation kicked in, and I was finally faced with the truth that I was giving out too many pieces of myself, to too many people, and when those people were leaving they were taking those pieces with them… and now I’m full of holes…

But I need to believe that that’s ok. I need to believe that that’s still desired. I may no longer be rich, solid cheddar, but perhaps light, delicate swiss is just fine. And although they’re different, neither is more or less than the other, just different. And that’s fine. And that’s me.

So I can’t let myself be tempted into forgetting the bad, because it’s that that helps me appreciate the good, and gorgeous, and sexy. And in a way that makes me lucky, because it means I’ll never take anything for granted again.

And that’s just what I need.

P.s. I know you’re reading this.

 

 

 

Blessings and Curses

People tend to want to keep me. But never in the way I wish they did. The majority of my friends are male who I have, at some stage, had sex with. I know how that sounds, but tragically, it’s rarely like that at all.

It’s just that that’s usually how it starts. We start casually, form a friendship, form a sex life, then form feelings. At some point, we come to a cross roads, where that person will make a decision. Sometimes, not often, they’ll decide to go all in, and we try to be something, and it eventually breaks. More often, much more often, they’ll decide not to go down the rabbit hole with me, even if I’m willing. In both of these cases it ends the same… They tell me I’m precious, they tell me I’m valuable, they promise I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to them. And then I gain another of the best friends I could ever have, who would do anything for me. And for that I feel truly, truly lucky. Even so, it kinda sucks.

What the fuck is wrong with me. Why is it that I can’t inspire the people I love to be brave enough to fight for me? Why is it that the people I desire, can’t desire me back? And what is it about me that makes the ones I crave, not want to be the one to make me happy?

I just want to evaporate. I want to sink into this chair, and wait. And do nothing. And be nothing. But I can’t. I have to smile, be pleasant, and be present.

I have people to look after.

Want me, love me

I don’t care for standardized life. I know I’m meant to pair off and reproduce but the idea always seemed horrific to me. The happiest piece of my life was with a man whom never actually asked me to be his, and vice versa. It was just sort of assumed, and after  a month or so we decided it seemed silly to pay two sets of rent when we only ever stayed at one place, and thus our cohabitation began. And you might think, well if you were happy, why aren’t you together now? And the sad fact is, just because you’re happy, doesn’t mean you’re satisfied. This man loved me, and would have never left me. But he wasn’t in love with me. He didn’t look at me like I was something delicious. And I really, really need that.

He understood me, but not necessarily appreciate me. The next one was the opposite.

Fuck. I just want a guy who both understands AND appreciates me…

Think that’s possible?

Just Keep Swimming.

I wish I could kill the part of me that’s weak. I wish I could cut out the pieces of me that are pathetic. Every day I wake up I have to evaluate how much energy I have to spend, and prioritize what I need to spend it on, or things will run too low and I won’t have enough left to maintain the image of what I want to be me.

Lately, my energy levels have been ridiculously low, as I seem to be drowning in mass amounts of other peoples shit. I try to catch a breath, but even raising my head high and inhaling what I hope to be the soft, sweet taste of relief, nope, there it is, another load of stinking fecal matter. And isn’t that great, and isn’t it fine, except it isn’t because I’m spent and stupid and vulnerable. And I’m just not sure what to do with that. Because I don’t have any time to stop.

I need a rescue. I really need a rescue. But I’ve no idea what that even looks like.

You’re Alright.

It’s been a while since I’ve had anything to say. In a way, that’s a good thing, because it meant I wasn’t being absorbed by other people. But, the moment I made the conscious decision to stop looking after everyone else, and start evaluating what it was that I needed… everything broke, and I broke, and I kept wanting to feel something, anything, but it didn’t happen. Not until I came out the other side.

And I did. And there he was.

He’s not like other people I’ve been with. He doesn’t bother flattering me or flirting or building me up with compliments. And because he’s genuine, I don’t spend time with him because he makes me feel good, I just do feel good, because it’s him. And he’s good. A good guy, in general. 

I just wanted to write about him today, because it’s so refreshing to meet someone like that who you can spend time with and feel entirely unjudged, and totally accepted. And I like him a lot, for a lot of reasons. He’s just easy to like. 

It probably won’t turn into anything beyond a good friend and a great fuck. Maybe we’re the right people, at the wrong time. But, one day, I hope I can find someone to fall in love with, one last time, that’s a lot like him. Just once more, I might be able to manage it. And I hope he does the same.

I want him to have someone as wonderful as he is 🙂

Bad judgement and spontaneity

Tonight, everything is beautiful. I’m sitting in my friends office as he taps away unfinished work for the month. It’s 4 16am and I’ve no reason to be here other than the fact that he may have been lonely if I weren’t. But it’s sort of nice really, to realize you’re young and ridiculous and can do these sorts of things if you so choose. And I did choose. I could have easily stayed home, watched netflix and gone to sleep. But instead I’m here, feeling peaceful, trying to find inspiration and feeling absolutely exhilarated to be alive.

Life is good, it really is.

And it’s just going to keep getting better.

Because I wont accept anything less.

Maybe, Maybe Not

I could have loved you.

Maybe not right away, but eventually.

Once we knew each other, once we became less afraid.

I could have loved you.

We could have made plans, had fun, had adventures.

Or we could have done nothing. Still sounds good to me.

I could have loved you.

I really believe that. And it might have taken some time, and a whole lot of trust, and a whole lot of courage but…

I could have loved you! And I may have never stopped.

You know that, right?

For The Best…

I know I have to let go. Let go of hope, let go of desire, let go of the idea of you.

And the end is there and I can see it, but just as I come close to accepting it my brain plays another scene and I see a very different picture. And instead of nothing, there’s something, and I come home to find you sitting at my doorstep with a bag. You look up at me, your eyes are puffy but you smile anyway, and I take your hand and lead you into of the house. Neither of us say anything.

And I know it’s not real, and I know it’s not likely, and it may even seem ridiculous… it certainly wouldn’t be easy. But isn’t that ok? If it was easy, would it make it as worthwhile?

I really don’t know.

What I do know is that you’re not mine, and you likely won’t ever be. I’d wait for you, but you haven’t asked me to, and you won’t, either. Neither of us really know what to do and neither of us really know how to handle it.

I don’t know anything anymore. Just that I miss you.

I just want you.

But I know I have to let go… It’s for the best… isn’t it?

Wishes, Chances and Promises

I wasn’t fine, not for a very long time. And then suddenly, inexplicably, I awoke and everything was bright again. And I realised, finally, that I was ready to want things. Real things, no cookie cutting people to make them fit. And almost as if the universe heard my epiphane, there he was. I was not expecting it, I never would have predicted it, but it happened. And I’m happy.

What a frightening thought.

Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I just kinda… clicked with someone. And I feel totally uneasy about it, and have never struggled so much to find the words for this as I have right now. Usually everything just pours out but I just really don’t know where I stand here. So I’ll write this next part to him…

You can trust me. I can’t make any promises yet, because we just don’t know, but I’d like to work it out together. I want you to be happy, so I’ll wait for you to make your own decision, whilst I sit here hoping you’ll take a chance on me. I’ll try not to wish too hard, I’ll try to protect my heart a little bit longer, and I’ll wait. But, please, don’t worry about coming home and finding everything turned off, that won’t happen here… I’ll always leave the lights on for you.

Either way, I’m really glad I met you.