Me and my OCD, me and my anxiety

Tonight, his voice is in my head, telling me I’m not fit for anyone if I’m not taking my pills.

But I just don’t think that’s true.

Yes the detox was tough and yes I went a little crazy… But I’m on the other side of it now and everything just feels kinda good you know? I’m sure I’m just as lovable even if I’m not medicated. Better even. Because now I’m me in my entirety, spontaneous and sexual and passionate and creative and caring. And I love all those things about myself, so even though there will be days I’m paranoid or days when I’m angry or just generally “too much”… surely that’s ok. Surely the gain outweighs the loss and surely he was just wrong.

Or just weak.

Unlike me, who’s not afraid of anything, except irrational paranoias and opening doors with one hand instead of two :p.

Be Brave

The truth is, I am a liar. I told a friend recently that we were different because I needed people whereas he could walk away. The truth is, I do need people. Given my character type, I will always need people, to love and to spoil and to seek validation from. And he probably does too, because we’re both human, and that is the nature of humanity. But the real truth of it is, it really doesn’t matter all that much who those people are.

I made a decision recently I am yet to tell anyone about. Mostly because I’m afraid to say it aloud but also in part because I don’t want to hear their reactions. They may not care, they may care a lot, they could make assumptions about me or discuss it amongst themselves or call me foolish. But the nuts and bolts of it is, even though I do care for all of them and don’t want to hurt any of them? I care about myself more. There, I said it. I’m not a standard person, so why should I be imprisoned to a standardized life?

This was never what I wanted. Growing up, not once have I wanted children or marraige or to work 9 to 5 five days a week. No way. I want passion and adventure and three ways with sexy strangers and the ability to disappear at any given moment. I didn’t want a husband, I wanted a partner in crime, possibly a lover but mostly just someone to explore this wonderful world with me so we can egg each other on when the other isn’t feeling brave.

So I’m leaving. 6.5 months more of pointlessness, and then I’m free. I’ll be gone. I’ll be alive.

Can’t Breathe

I can’t do it anymore. I was so sure that I was getting better, feeling happy, looking forward to my life… But it was a lie.

I let myelf cry tonight, and now I can’t stop. And I have no one to confide in because everything I have was his first. A sad side effect of moving to a place to be with someone, then that someone leaves you. I look at my beautiful friends and I feel like some sort of project to them, like I’m either a prop or their entertainment. I am not coping.

Hurts…

I can’t work out what it is I actually need and that’s really devastating. Now I’ve identified that I’m hurting, what can I possibly do to fix it? If I were to disappear right now, would it even leave an impact?

Probably not.

But that’s ok because it has to be, and I’m ok because I have to be. And I’ll go to sleep tonight, wake up tomorrow and have another meaningless day of convincing the people around me that I am totally fine.

Fuck.

Why did they have to lie to me

Fuck.

… I was doing so well