It’s 5:37 am and I probably made a fool of myself…
I woke up on my air mattress. Must have passed out here some hours ago whilst everyone continued to drink and play COD around me. I’m presently on an air mattress because twin 14 year old boys are currently occupying my bed.
But that’s a different story.
Back to this.
So there was a guy. A guy before the current guy, after that other guy, who was a guy I actually liked. That guy now likes my sister… and she likes him back… seriously kill me now.
So I drank too much and said too much and apparently hurt her feelings to. All class tonight.
But my reaction, I believe, was human right? I think all of my reactions have been human. But people are too busy defining me to establish that. And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the friend who says I’m broken, and I can’t love anyone else until I love myself first. I’m tired of the friend that says I have to spend time being single and alone to appreciate myself, and I need to backpack around Europe like they did to “find myself”. I’m tired of the friend that encourages me to chase the person I can’t have because they think I’d be a cute couple and it’s probably just exactly what I need. And I’m tired of the friend that thinks there’s a hole in me that I’m trying to fill with dick. Yes they said that.
Can you seriously all just shut the fuck up?
Please, for the love of god, stop defining me.
Please don’t tell me who I am, because I’m impressionable and without your meaning to you’re changing the way I move through crowds. Please don’t tell me what I am, because I know what I am far better than the truth you apparently know about me based on the small tip of the iceburg I’ve let you see. Please don’t tell me how I am, and what motivates my actions, because if I start picking apart the inspiration behind why I make certain choices, it’ll start a chain reaction and eventually I’ll become too afraid to breathe.
Leave me be. The boy I was banging is into my sister now, I’m allowed to be affected by that. The other boy I liked doesn’t want to take a chance on me, I’m allowed to be affected by that, too…
… the sun is coming up.
Hopefully today is better.
thelistlessnovice 