I could have loved you.
Maybe not right away, but eventually.
Once we knew each other, once we became less afraid.
I could have loved you.
We could have made plans, had fun, had adventures.
Or we could have done nothing. Still sounds good to me.
I could have loved you.
I really believe that. And it might have taken some time, and a whole lot of trust, and a whole lot of courage but…
I could have loved you! And I may have never stopped.
You know that, right?
I know I have to let go. Let go of hope, let go of desire, let go of the idea of you.
And the end is there and I can see it, but just as I come close to accepting it my brain plays another scene and I see a very different picture. And instead of nothing, there’s something, and I come home to find you sitting at my doorstep with a bag. You look up at me, your eyes are puffy but you smile anyway, and I take your hand and lead you into of the house. Neither of us say anything.
And I know it’s not real, and I know it’s not likely, and it may even seem ridiculous… it certainly wouldn’t be easy. But isn’t that ok? If it was easy, would it make it as worthwhile?
I really don’t know.
What I do know is that you’re not mine, and you likely won’t ever be. I’d wait for you, but you haven’t asked me to, and you won’t, either. Neither of us really know what to do and neither of us really know how to handle it.
I don’t know anything anymore. Just that I miss you.
I just want you.
But I know I have to let go… It’s for the best… isn’t it?
I wasn’t fine, not for a very long time. And then suddenly, inexplicably, I awoke and everything was bright again. And I realised, finally, that I was ready to want things. Real things, no cookie cutting people to make them fit. And almost as if the universe heard my epiphane, there he was. I was not expecting it, I never would have predicted it, but it happened. And I’m happy.
What a frightening thought.
Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I just kinda… clicked with someone. And I feel totally uneasy about it, and have never struggled so much to find the words for this as I have right now. Usually everything just pours out but I just really don’t know where I stand here. So I’ll write this next part to him…
You can trust me. I can’t make any promises yet, because we just don’t know, but I’d like to work it out together. I want you to be happy, so I’ll wait for you to make your own decision, whilst I sit here hoping you’ll take a chance on me. I’ll try not to wish too hard, I’ll try to protect my heart a little bit longer, and I’ll wait. But, please, don’t worry about coming home and finding everything turned off, that won’t happen here… I’ll always leave the lights on for you.
Either way, I’m really glad I met you.
It’s 5:37 am and I probably made a fool of myself…
I woke up on my air mattress. Must have passed out here some hours ago whilst everyone continued to drink and play COD around me. I’m presently on an air mattress because twin 14 year old boys are currently occupying my bed.
But that’s a different story.
Back to this.
So there was a guy. A guy before the current guy, after that other guy, who was a guy I actually liked. That guy now likes my sister… and she likes him back… seriously kill me now.
So I drank too much and said too much and apparently hurt her feelings to. All class tonight.
But my reaction, I believe, was human right? I think all of my reactions have been human. But people are too busy defining me to establish that. And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the friend who says I’m broken, and I can’t love anyone else until I love myself first. I’m tired of the friend that says I have to spend time being single and alone to appreciate myself, and I need to backpack around Europe like they did to “find myself”. I’m tired of the friend that encourages me to chase the person I can’t have because they think I’d be a cute couple and it’s probably just exactly what I need. And I’m tired of the friend that thinks there’s a hole in me that I’m trying to fill with dick. Yes they said that.
Can you seriously all just shut the fuck up?
Please, for the love of god, stop defining me.
Please don’t tell me who I am, because I’m impressionable and without your meaning to you’re changing the way I move through crowds. Please don’t tell me what I am, because I know what I am far better than the truth you apparently know about me based on the small tip of the iceburg I’ve let you see. Please don’t tell me how I am, and what motivates my actions, because if I start picking apart the inspiration behind why I make certain choices, it’ll start a chain reaction and eventually I’ll become too afraid to breathe.
Leave me be. The boy I was banging is into my sister now, I’m allowed to be affected by that. The other boy I liked doesn’t want to take a chance on me, I’m allowed to be affected by that, too…
… the sun is coming up.
Hopefully today is better.
Please, just talk to me. Even if it’s just shouting, honestly, just don’t block me out. Dont give me nothing, because I know what that means, and when it’s nothing, that means losing EVERYTHING. And I just can’t lose you right now, my everything.
So many things I need to say, probably can’t ever say it. Last night when I was lying next you, I so badly wanted you to pull me into your arms. So badly. You didn’t though, and neither did I, because I was stubborn, then I was just scared. I was afraid to turn and put my arms around you because I didn’t want to have you turn away. I tried several times trying to turn but was locked frozen in place, genuine fear holding me back. Eventually, I gathered enough courage to turn and kiss your hand gently… you did turn away… I was crushed.
Lately I’ve felt like you enjoy feeling superior to me. It might not be true, very possible I was imagining it, but even if it is a misunderstanding, shouldn’t you care? If your partner is feeling hurt and bullied, regardless of who it is that did it or whether or not it was by mistake, shouldn’t it make a difference? If I’m not ok, can’t you at least hug me a moment? Please? I just need a hug.
You know, you’re really frightening when you yell. But I still want to try. I hope you do to, because I’m afraid to ask.
I still love you with all my heart.
thelistlessnovice 